NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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