Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
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He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
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hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"