He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
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Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
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Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.