sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
she peed on how many people?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.