All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
