Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
how drunk are you?
Several
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
