I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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