or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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