You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
