In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
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