I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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