the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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