mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm always down for nudity.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
