and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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