It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
