I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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