Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
