ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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