in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We talked him into tasing himself.
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I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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