I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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