Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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