Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
