so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
