I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
