my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well I just put wine in my tea
This toilet bowl is my home.
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