I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
