I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm at about main and main street
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
