I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
