I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
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