At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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