My liver just broke up with me...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
