would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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