I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
In other news, I just burned my penis
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off