my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?