Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
