How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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