I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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