Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
