matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
