Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i need an iv and a liver transplant
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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