any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
