I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
