You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
