I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
