Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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