I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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