If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
