In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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