You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
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the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
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Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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