It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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