Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
