we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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