And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
