there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
