I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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