you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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