dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
