My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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