Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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