I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
