He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
